If we were living in an ideal world, the bus will come as soon as you get to the bus stop. You'd be greeted with complimentary bun and cheese upon entrance; and as you are directed to your seat, you would be given a glass of sarsaparilla. You'd sit and munch elegantly while you look out the nearest window and might have the odd chatter with the naga chilli sitting behind you. (Naga Chilli: adj. Used to describe the appearance of others. Synonyms: handsome, attractive and "hotspice"). All is well in the ideal world. Unfortunately, we live in the real world. A world where you arrive at the bus stop five whole minutes before the bus is due and when it does arrive, it's either packed with those wretched school children or it's the old people having a little field trip to their allotments. That's if you're lucky. There are days when the bus will drive straight past you like say you're Casper the Friendly Ghost and do not exist. Those drivers have won a free monthly travel pass to hell. However, in the likely hood that you do get on the bus, there are many situations you will have to face. For example,
Situation 1: Selfishness
The selfishness of other commuters. You know the ones I'm talking about. The renk ones that see the space but do not migrate towards it. They're flipping selfish. People like them deserve to get left stranded in the rain. Then you have the
Situation 2: Bummy Drivers
The drivers that make a big fuss out of everything. If anything happens, they turn off the engine and sit there. This causes the loud ass Jamaican, Nigerian and English people to stop their conversations with Marleesha, Olatunji and Bob and start shouting their opinions like say they're Jeremy Kyle. You might have the occasional beg that agrees with them, known as the audience, but that's not guaranteed. Eventually you'll get moving but while you wait, you can tweet a commentary on Twitter in the hope for RT's. (My Twitter: @RhianWatson)
Situation 3: Revenge of the Brat Pusher. (Brat Pusher: Synonym for buggy). Those reckless mothers
are the most common offenders. #DemonMothers. They don't care. As far as they're concerned, they have the righter way. They will happily manoeuvre their brat pushers over your footwear. It doesn't matter what you're wearing. Whether it be Turf 90's or Jordan's. Sunday Shoes or your Uncle Olu's sandals. They will not survive. And when you let them know, they'll give you attitude. Best thing to do is kiss your teeth like your Mother and make one of those "I wish you would" comments. This shows that you're not a mug for backing down while not conforming to the stereotype of teenagers. To an extent.
Situation 4: Insufficient Funds
Every once in a while you will have the idiot who gets on the bus KNOWING full well that they have insufficient funds on their oyster card. Drake said "YOLO" so they will try their upmost best to get a free ride. Depending on how stubborn the driver is, or the persistence of the "beggar" this can go on forever. You may have the good Samaritan who lends them money but that is rare like the meat white people "cook" on Come Dine With Me. He or she will get off and swear at the bus as it drives by. Worst case scenario? The driver is bummy so he turns off the engine and sounds the "this bus is under attack" alarm. The police come, all passengers have to exit the bus and wait for the next one in the middle of a London Riot.
Situation 4: "Shower Mandem"
These are the guy who are headphone intolerant. They will play their hood music aloud until Giggs is freed. They think they're the bees knees because they have mash down black airforces and a Gucci belt bought with AC money. They're not a problem if you have headphones. Just put them in and zone out. On the other hand, if you own the £2.49 headphones from Argos, not inly do you live a crap life but you should expect to hear the whole of RapCity in your neck back. Moral of the story, always travel with suitable headphones.
Situation 5: Lack of Hygiene
*Soulja Boy voice* This. Right-Here. Is-So. BAD! The fragrances that some people possess is a sin. You can't even call it a fragrance. It smells too toxic/potent/raw to give it such a nice title. I was on the bus one time and the lady next to me was smelling of McDonald's mayonnaise and BO. It was disrespectful to my nostrils; I was convinced my septum was going to collapse on me. Then she had the cheek to buss open a pack of Cheese Onion crisps. Walkers as well una. My face was like (O.o), is the woman seriously increase her stink level? And you no when you're not eating them the stench could kill a horse. I had to go in to hibernation and inhale 4 times per minute. I was alternating between using my nose and mouth. I didn't want to smell it, but it was even worse if I smell-tasted it. She got off before me but the toxicity of the smell was clinging onto the bars of the bus for dear life. When she was walking to the door you could see the faces change. The stink was happy slapping people left right and centre. The smell was a bully in it's entirety.
Situation 6: Duck Mother and her Offspring
You know them days when you YOLO'd your way onto the bus by pushing some granny out the way? I don't but it happens. Anyways, you're on the bus and things are running smoothly. You're face is underneath a man's armpit but at least you're not the granny who lost her bus spot. The bus stops, the doors open and a woman stands up. Then out if nowhere the whole of the twelve disciples stand up behind her. In your head you're thinking it's a dream, until the little buggers start falling all over you. Stepping on your footwear, brushing past your bag and everything else under the Sun. The mother is totally oblivious. Thats not her business, as long as her ducklings are off the bus and ready for school everything is kosher in her eyes. She'll happily continue her day until she gets a call from the school saying Antoine, the 7th disciple, has been rubbing his mucus on other ducklings.
Eee, well that brings an end to my first ever blog. *bogles* Thanks for reading and be sure to tell all your homies about it. Tell me what you think and all that jazz. Suggestions on what to talk about in my next blog are also welcome.
Twitter: @RhianWatson
Facebook: Rianne Gilzeane-Watson
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Bun and Cheese for you all. x
